I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
