Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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