My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
