Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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