fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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