Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
