I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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