I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
