Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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