If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
