just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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