I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
