After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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