just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
