you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
