do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
