and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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