Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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