Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
that is very illegal...i love you.
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