well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
