I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
