i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
