I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
