Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
