RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
