Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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