I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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