By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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