eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
