Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
