I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
