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laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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