sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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