They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
