Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
