We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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