Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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