just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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