Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
