I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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