On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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