And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
