sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
sarcasm needs its own font
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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