M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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