no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
