i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
