Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Drunk is not a location!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
