He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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