I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
