My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
