he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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