i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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