I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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