I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize