note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
