my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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