My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize