in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
